I did the best I could with what I knew and what I had…..
As adults with parents, we now know this statement to be true of our parents when we were growing up. And we know it to be true for us as parents now. The key is to let our children in on this secret while they are still growing up in an effort to prevent them from having feelings of resentment and anger, maybe in some cases feelings of self-loathing…or at least to reduce them.
My Mom & Dad divorced when I was twelve. It was very difficult on our family financially and emotionally. We lived states away from any relatives and my mom was fearful. She had no family to help her, no family to guide her and remind her of situations that happened when she was young. My father even lived states away by this time. She truly was a single mother in all aspects of the title.
In the heat of the moment and many times for years to come, whenever I was grounded for reasons that I believed were silly or unfair I would get more and more resentful toward my Mom; feeling she was so unfair and even that she was a bad parent. There were times, as a kid, that I even hated her. All kids feel this towards their parents at one time or another…don’t think you were alone in that. My Dad got off Scott-free because since he wasn’t involved in our day to day or even month to month living, he didn’t get the hate and anger that Mom got. Now in hindsight, it seems pretty unfair of us feeling that way towards her – but as she did the best she could with what she knew and had, so did we – with regard to the information we had during the tough times. That was still a “children are seen and not heard” era. Parents didn’t ‘share’ much if anything with their kids.
It’s possible that if we had been told then that she loved us and was doing her very best with what she knew and what she/we had…maybe, just maybe, our resentment toward her would have been less. Who’s to say, but maybe.
So, I am saying to you now…as adults we now recognize that our parents did the best they could raising us, disciplining us, teaching us, loving us. They all did the best they could with what they knew. It’s possible that their parents were super strict on them and that’s what was modeled for them as to what parents do. Maybe their family didn’t show love and affection openly so they didn’t know how to show it to us. Who knows. Maybe no one knows for sure. But we can stop the cycle of confusion, resentment, even anger. Share this insight with your kids.
image from www.lanc.org.uk
When in the midst of a difficult situation or a time when you have to tell your child “no, you can’t because…”, maybe it’s during these times that you come clean. Tell your child that you aren’t perfect, that you don’t have all the answers, that you are doing the best you can with what you know and within your situation. Maybe, just maybe, that will soften the blow of discipline and consequences for your child. Maybe not. But if we, as parents and adults, do everything in our power to share information with our children to assist them in their own navigation and maneuvering of their young lives, it’s possible that they will grow into wiser, more well-rounded adults. If nothing else, it’s worth a try.
Oh, and another thing…avoid saying “because I said so.” UGH. I hated when my Mom said this to me a as kid and especially when I was a teen. I absolutely hated hearing this. It’s a copout. OR at least, as a kid, that’s how I felt. As a kid, I swore that I would NEVER say that phrase to my children. Well, when my son was between ages of ten and twelve, I broke that promise. He was angry over punishment or something and repeatedly asked “Why?”, “Why are you saying no?”, “Why can’t I do blah-blah?”, and I’d had enough….I had given him my reason and answered the “why?” questions, but he wouldn’t let it go. So…”Because I said so,” came out. No planning, no thinking, it just came out…LOUDLY. So, it was in that moment that I finally understood the need for this phrase at times, but be careful and make sure that once it’s said it is not repeated out of habit and parental frustration. That will alleviate a lot of frustration in your child as well.
Bottom line: Talk to your children. They are no different than you. They are just not as wise and they DO look up to you. I promise. They trust you even when they are angry at you and supposedly “hate” you. They will listen. they are sponges, even as teenagers – they just won’t admit it. They will understand; maybe not at first, but they will. It DOES improve the situation – maybe not instantly, but it softens it. They are able to see you as human and not just this horrible, nasty parent that they are stuck with. LOL So, tell them. It is a true statement of fact. You ARE doing the best you can with what you know and what you have. Let them in on the secret that you are human, just as they are.
And ALWAYS tell them that you love them…especially when you are disciplining them.
As always…PEACE & BLESSINGS,
Pamtastic
